Imposter Syndrome

Before I started writing, I Googled whether or not this was an actual syndrome that I would be arm chair diagnosing myself with.  It is not considered a psychological disorder nor is it in the DSM.

Imposter syndrome was first described by Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD in the 1970s. (I can't be the only one whose first though was "Huh. Not surprised they're both women," can I? Digressing as usual...).  Wikipedia says that tt is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I always feel like such a complete and total fraud! It infects all areas of my life.

A small part of it is that whole fake geek girl concept. The misogynist oh you're a girl you can't possibly like comics or whatever the hell you like because you're a girl. Ew by the way. I love horror movies. I've watched everything from Train to Busan (incredible South Korean zombie film - beautifully done. Cannot recommend it enough) to Dickshark (which I do not recommend but someone had to watch it). My freshman or sophomore year of college, I was buying Texas Chainsaw Massacre from the Best Buy in Monroeville. The cashier asked if I was buying it for my dad or brother or boyfriend. When I said it was for me, he said something like "Okay, if you don't wanna tell me." That's the first moment I can remember feeling something I was doing was super fake. I got back into the Walking Dead comic books, and I always feel self-conscious buying them. Caleb asking me to go to play Monday or Friday night Magic freaks me out because I imagine everyone there would realize that I don't really know that much about Magic. I'm worried about Magic nerds judging me. Choices.

Friendship is definitely a part of it. I'm constantly worried that people are going to find out that I'm not interesting or funny or whatever. That I'm a terribly insecure person who is constantly wondering if people even like me. I super overcompensate for that by pretending that I don't care about what people think about me. I care deeply. Like probably too much. The internal (and external) conflict I have about what I wear to things is so weird. I don't feel like the person who does interesting things. Like, I'll say things like "I don't think I'm the kind of person to get a tattoo." Demonstrably untrue! I have four tattoos. Multiple piercings. This is the person I am. In college (and even years after) I always felt like a sidekick. I was the girl in the background while Jon and Johnny were doing fabulous and crazy things. I still feel like that sometimes.

Work is the worst. I think I have some kind of weird skittishness left after my position was eliminated. Like, towards the end, it felt like nothing I could do was right. Every answer I gave, everything I did felt wrong. Now I'm back in the game (and have been employed for about two and a half months now!). But I question everything. Things I know! Someone asked me how many children under age 21 are the max on and ACA rated plan. I called UPMC to ask. I know that (btw it's 3). I don't trust myself enough to do things. I'm good at putting plans on spreadsheets. I'm quick at it. I can remember it. For some reason, I kept fucking it all up when I started. In my interviews I presented myself the way I believe I should be. As soon as I was given the chance to show it, I started to doubt it. I keep thinking everyone is going to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and that hiring me was a giant mistake.

I have my 60 day review on Wednesday. I have to fill out a self-evaluation. I feel like I should write I AM A GIANT FRAUD WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING AND IS ALSO A TERRIBLE ADULT AND HUMAN BEING. DID YOU EVEN GOOGLE ME BEFORE YOU HIRED ME I AM OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF ANYTHING. Probably not the best thing to say.

So...how do you get over it? I have no idea. I'm going to continue being the unchaperonedwhite girl. Having fun, dressing in the crazy 90s clothes I didn't get to wear the first time around, and following advice I would give my friends. Which probably starts with wine but has solid thoughts about what a bad ass bitch we are.

Credit to Tenor