Imposter Syndrome

Before I started writing, I Googled whether or not this was an actual syndrome that I would be arm chair diagnosing myself with.  It is not considered a psychological disorder nor is it in the DSM.

Imposter syndrome was first described by Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD in the 1970s. (I can't be the only one whose first though was "Huh. Not surprised they're both women," can I? Digressing as usual...).  Wikipedia says that tt is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I always feel like such a complete and total fraud! It infects all areas of my life.

A small part of it is that whole fake geek girl concept. The misogynist oh you're a girl you can't possibly like comics or whatever the hell you like because you're a girl. Ew by the way. I love horror movies. I've watched everything from Train to Busan (incredible South Korean zombie film - beautifully done. Cannot recommend it enough) to Dickshark (which I do not recommend but someone had to watch it). My freshman or sophomore year of college, I was buying Texas Chainsaw Massacre from the Best Buy in Monroeville. The cashier asked if I was buying it for my dad or brother or boyfriend. When I said it was for me, he said something like "Okay, if you don't wanna tell me." That's the first moment I can remember feeling something I was doing was super fake. I got back into the Walking Dead comic books, and I always feel self-conscious buying them. Caleb asking me to go to play Monday or Friday night Magic freaks me out because I imagine everyone there would realize that I don't really know that much about Magic. I'm worried about Magic nerds judging me. Choices.

Friendship is definitely a part of it. I'm constantly worried that people are going to find out that I'm not interesting or funny or whatever. That I'm a terribly insecure person who is constantly wondering if people even like me. I super overcompensate for that by pretending that I don't care about what people think about me. I care deeply. Like probably too much. The internal (and external) conflict I have about what I wear to things is so weird. I don't feel like the person who does interesting things. Like, I'll say things like "I don't think I'm the kind of person to get a tattoo." Demonstrably untrue! I have four tattoos. Multiple piercings. This is the person I am. In college (and even years after) I always felt like a sidekick. I was the girl in the background while Jon and Johnny were doing fabulous and crazy things. I still feel like that sometimes.

Work is the worst. I think I have some kind of weird skittishness left after my position was eliminated. Like, towards the end, it felt like nothing I could do was right. Every answer I gave, everything I did felt wrong. Now I'm back in the game (and have been employed for about two and a half months now!). But I question everything. Things I know! Someone asked me how many children under age 21 are the max on and ACA rated plan. I called UPMC to ask. I know that (btw it's 3). I don't trust myself enough to do things. I'm good at putting plans on spreadsheets. I'm quick at it. I can remember it. For some reason, I kept fucking it all up when I started. In my interviews I presented myself the way I believe I should be. As soon as I was given the chance to show it, I started to doubt it. I keep thinking everyone is going to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and that hiring me was a giant mistake.

I have my 60 day review on Wednesday. I have to fill out a self-evaluation. I feel like I should write I AM A GIANT FRAUD WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING AND IS ALSO A TERRIBLE ADULT AND HUMAN BEING. DID YOU EVEN GOOGLE ME BEFORE YOU HIRED ME I AM OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF ANYTHING. Probably not the best thing to say.

So...how do you get over it? I have no idea. I'm going to continue being the unchaperonedwhite girl. Having fun, dressing in the crazy 90s clothes I didn't get to wear the first time around, and following advice I would give my friends. Which probably starts with wine but has solid thoughts about what a bad ass bitch we are.

Credit to Tenor

Almost Pride!

Pride is fun! I have been going for over ten years. I was at the first Pride in the Streets. I have marched with different groups. A few years ago, we did the newly offered one day MS150 so we could be back in time for the march! It is definitely something that I don't miss.

There are always protestors at Pride. People who stand with signs saying "Homo sex is sin" or "Jesus Saves" or a giant list of all the reasons you could be going to hell. They are usually yelling, but they are drowned out by the cheering of everyone else attending. They make themselves super visible so it's easy to avoid them. Or to flip them off when you walk by. Whichever.

In March, Reuters said that hate crimes have gone up 20% since the election.

Last year, when there was a car crash near the entrance to Pride in the Streets, I was worried it was an attack. The first thing I thought was that some homophobic asshole was emboldened by the Trump campaign and decided to do something awful. In the end, it was a DUI. But that wasn't my first thought.

What is it going to be like this year? Will the protestors be louder? More confrontational? Will there be more of them? Are homophobes going to be out in droves because they think that they can get away with it - or, even if they don't get away with it, that they will be able to hurt people. The murderer from Portland doesn't seem to care that he got caught - he believes he made his point.

The statement by the President of the Pittsburgh FOP that putting Pride decals on cars is a "slippery slope" doesn't help the situation. Even if the individual officers support the event, the official position is anti-LGBTQ. Not a great relationship.

I'm definitely still going to Pride. Probably even more events than usual (I'm going to head down to Ready. Set. Pride in a few minutes). Pittsburgh Pride is going to be bigger than ever this year - we aren't backing down. Even if the newly longer Pride isn't a direct response to right wing hate mongers, it seems like it is.

The LGBTQ community is not backing down. We're not going anywhere.

Happy Pride!