Remembering My Dad

My father died 8 years ago today. Cancer. He was diagnosed in April 2009 and died in July 2009. I was in Chicago with Jon when he was diagnosed (turns out my body's reaction to stress like this is to vomit. I saw a lot of bathrooms in Chicago!). I know where I was and who I was with when my mother called me to tell me that he died.

I remember the viewing. We have a rather morbid tradition of going bowling after viewings. We went bowling. I'm awful, but you can drink there! Plus, after a full day of repeating the same information about yourself ("I'm Blair. I'm the oldest. I graduated from Duquesne last year. I live in Shadyside. I work at Parkway Center."), it's nice to throw a ball at something.

I remember being a pallbearer at the funeral. I still have the white gloves. I don't remember what else I wore. I remember a blur of people. I remember driving from the wake to the church to pick up flowers.

Today always makes me think of all the things he missed. I was living on Ellsworth Avenue, driving the red Neon, and working at CBCInnovis the last time he knew anything about me.

He never met Caleb. He didn't see us move into the condo. He wasn't there when I got engaged. He didn't see me get married.

He doesn't know that I got a tattoo with a windmill on it because he called me Quixote. He doesn't know that I'm still fighting windmills.

There are so many tiny, small things that I still even now sometimes think I should tell him. There are so many things that I will never get to tell him.

You can buy beer and wine at the grocery store now! I eat chili! I make beer (among other things)! I travel on my own now! I'm still afraid of monkeys!

What I tried to take away from it is that you can't wait to do things. So I travel. I wear what are definitely ridiculous outfits. I created an alter ego with her own hashtag. I try whatever I can. I don't want to realize one day that I have a list of things I wanted to do that I'll never get to do.


I wish I had some sort of profound note to end this on. Some life secret. I don't. All I have is this:

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We aren't even guaranteed this afternoon. Don't waste it.

Goal Weight Reached!

I finally hit my goal weight!! Forty pounds down from where I started.

Me 2012.

Last year, Caleb and I got married in Hawaii. It was a super fun week of sun, breweries, and you know, getting married. When I was looking at pictures, I realized I wasn’t happy with how I looked in them. It definitely wasn’t just a posture thing either – I tried taking selfies standing up straight to see if that would help.

After years of saying “I’d rather have fun than be thin,” I decided it was time to do something about it.

I didn’t do anything crazy. I’ve been using MyFitnessPal for almost a year straight at this point! It isn’t always super fun (and there are definitely days where I just log a coffee so I keep inputting something), but it’s really worked for me. Tracking what I eat has made me actually think about what I am eating instead of just eating for the sake of eating. MFP has a lot of restaurant menus, so I can look something up quickly. Like, if I’m meeting someone at a place I don’t like to eat, I’m not going to eat thousands of calories of food I don’t really enjoy.

Me 2017. Same shirt. Really.

If it’s something I enjoy? I’m going to go for it. Victory Dirt Wolf is about 240 calories. Worth every single one. Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites with cheese dip while on a trip to the outlets? Yes please! It’s Sunday Night Snack Club and everyone made all the things? That’s dinner today. I will always have food that is tasty, but I’m not going to waste my time eating bland, sodium filled food that I don’t even like. Not only is it calories I could use on something else, it’s depressing.

One thing people don’t ever talk about when they talk about losing weight? How expensive it is! I have had to buy basically all new clothes. The vast majority of things I own don’t fit anymore. I know it’s such a first world problem, but it can be frustrating. I was going to a bridal shower a few months ago, and I realized morning of that I didn’t really have anything appropriate to wear that fit. The dress I had planned on wearing was way too big. I managed to put together an outfit, and I took myself to the outlets right after. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the outlets recently…

My funemployment helped with losing weight a lot. When you’re in an office and there are cookies and birthday cakes and happy hours and coworker lunches, it’s so easy to graze all day. I was talking about MFP with a coworker the other day, and I realized that the people here only know me like this. They didn’t see me 40 pounds ago. People were surprised to hear that I had lost that much weight. To here, I am the person who eats Thug Kitchen recipes and might refuse cookies.

I feel better, I look better, and I’m overall happier. Going forward, I just have to keep up the lifestyle change I made!