2017 Review!

So, I made a few resolutions in 2017. Not all of them went according to plan...

1. Blog more. I am super inconsistent. I will have a great streak and then nada. Need to do this more.
Okay, did well at this for a bit and then totally failed. I need to get my shit together.

2. Go to yoga more. Another thing I have been inconsistent with. Every time I go, I really feel good. I have gotten so much better I've the past year and a half, so I need to keep it up!
This one went well for a while then fell off (are we sensing a theme here?). I kept giving myself weird injuries so I couldn't go. I sprained my shoulder while trying to do stretches. Then I fell flat on my face while on a run and scraped up my knee and hand.

3. Do whatever I can to make sure that America doesn't go directly to hell. There will be a lot to do to resist the hatred that will increase, but inaction is its own evil.
This one went well! I donated to charities, volunteered my time, and wrote to my elected officials. Also voted in the local elections.

4. Read 125 books. Now, now all books are hundreds of pages. I read a bunch of short zombie books. Last year I made my goal of 100, so I moved it up.
I am literally doing this right now. I'm at 111, and I will be able to read short books between today and tomorrow. This one is a win.

5. Learn to knit. Been on my list for about three years.
Moving this one to 2018.

6. Get to goal weight. I am about six pounds away!
I made it to goal weight! It has definitely been harder to keep up while in an office. Random snacks, ordering lunches, not being able to walk around all the time - the usual office stuff. I got a standing desk (because I was ridiculously jealous when my coworker got one and immediately ordered one for myself).

7. Find a job. This is the most necessary of all of them. Even if it's the thing I want to do the least.
Checked this one off in April! The last day I worked in 2017 was December 22nd, but I'll be back at it in 2018. This has been going really well for me - I'm officially on our website as an Account Manager!!!

2017 went really well for me personally and professionally. My 30s have been awesome so far (I'm even still getting carded!).

Let's see how 2018 goes.

Survived Busy Season!!!

This is the worst time of year for anyone who works in insurance. When the ACA was upheld, groups were given the option to renew in December to keep their plans. So a *ton* of groups moved to December. Awesome. Nothing said "Happy Holidays" quite like being insanely busy and crying over spreadsheets (technically I only cried once this year... My story and I'm sticking to it!). It's like tax season for accountants.

 Honestly, if I never see another spreadsheet again in my life, it will be too soon. Spoiler alert: I will see one in than 12 hours.

They seem so easy.

Look at a quote and add numbers.

But somehow it isn't. The formatting is off. Then the numbers don't round. And how did I miss that all the copays are after the deductible?! Did I spell deductible right? How many times can I look at a word before I forget how to spell it? I literally don't know if I'm spelling Silver correctly. Does that say Silver or Sliver? Sliver plan sounds cooler anyway! I had to Google how to get an ampersand in the header (FYI, you put two of them in a row and Excel only shows one). WHY IS THIS TAB DEFAULTED TO BE 8 PAGES WIDE??

Also, I am generally in favor of the ACA. But individual rates make my eyes bleed. Groups under fifty (who didn't grandmother) have a rate for each age. It isn't too bad usually, but when the group is getting close to fifty, it is insane. This number limit doesn't include dependents by the way (although you only pay for 3 children under 20). So you can have a group with thirty employees but end up with seventy rates. I have literally had someone give me a correction and not be able to see what is wrong even when it is written down for me! 632 looks just like 682 when you're on chart number 45 of the season.

 I probably would have completely lost my damn mind if it wasn't for the people I worked with. It's so nice to have people you trust being able to help. And the fact that everyone asks if you need anything before they leave and it isn't just a weird courtesy is awesome. Plus, it's nice to have people who understand what is going on. I love Caleb, but I think his eyes glaze over when I complain about hard v soft mandatory generic. Which is 100% understandable.

We made it to the other side though. Everyone is still speaking to each other. During my sabbatical I missed last busy season, so I wasn't *quite* prepared for how it was going to turn out. I'll be ready for next busy season!

One year later...

Can I be both proud of and mad at voters at the same time?

Like, great job this year! Danica Roem beat Bob Marshall! Bill Peduto was re-elected! Outside of America, Australia's gay marriage survey by mail seems to be on the right side of history. Hate was generally defeated.

Where the fuck was this last year?

A year ago today, I was dealing with what seemed to be literally impossible. A racist, homophobic, misogynistic demagogue was elected to the highest office in the land. With zero experience. A woman with years of experience and goddamn human decency lost. I was on my sabbatical so at least I was able to deal with it with whiskey.

It's like everyone suffered from some temporary insanity. There is an entire Twitter account dedicated to showing tweets before and after the election. There are liberals who didn't vote because they wanted Bernie. I don't have great words to describe how I feel about that, but they aren't nice.

 American Horror Story: Cult has been doing such a phenomenal job of capturing what happened and unfortunately where we might be headed. Starting with some of our newly introduced characters voting for Jill Stein or not voting at all (I don't even know which is worse) to showing how easy it is for a situation to escalate beyond what you can control, it's like real life. I have relived the 2016 election and the aftermath so many times this season. I both love and hate it. I have to watch in slow motion the destruction of the American voting system.

While I'm proud that we started to bring our country back, I'm disgusted that we let it get there in the first place. In order to survive until the next Presidential election (maximum 3 more year), we need to take the advice of the great RuPaul:

The Kevin Spacey "Apology"

We live in a world in which Buzzfeed has breaking news.

It is possible to release a statement in which you do everything wrong? If so, I think this is it.  If you haven't read the Kevin Spacey what he calls an apology, take a minute to read it over on NPR.

Things he did right: said something nice about Anthony Rapp (who is amazing even if he was with the bad guys in Twister). Maybe that was right? Or does that make it more creepy?

Things he did wrong: everything else.

1. Late night Twitter. Did he go to the Cheetoh in Chief School of Tweeting?! Twitter apologies at midnight probably aren't the best way to get your message across. It makes it look haphazard and disingenuous. Also not the top venue for actual apologies.

2. Doesn't take any blame. He stated it like he was reading the story for the first time with the rest of us. If he had a serious problem with alcohol, he might not remember what he did. That doesn't mean that he isn't accountable for it. "What would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior"and "But if I did behave then as he describes" are gross deflection.

3. Apologies for Anthony Rapp's feelings. This is a trademark of bad apologies. I'm no stranger to bad apologies - honestly, I'm an expert. He's sorry Anthony feels that way. Kevin is doing a "mistakes were made." He's sorry for the feelings but not sorry for the sexual advance on a 14 year old?

You know it, Gregory.

4. Coming out in your public apology. Dude, way to softball this to the anti-gay crowd. You "choose" to live as a gay man. Really? You couldn't think of any other way to phrase that? Maybe not Tweeting at midnight would have helped. And in your apology for a sexual advance on a 14 year old? How many times have people said that gay men are pedophiles? RHETORICAL!

5. Erasing bisexual identity. This is nowhere near as bad as the rest of the things he said in this "apology," but it does come into account. Inside and outside of the LGBT community people say that bisexuals don't exist. That we're greedy or it's a layover on the train to GayTown. While there is no reason on Earth, Heaven, or Hell for him to use his apology for this to come out, he did so by making it seem like there was a choice between straight or gay. Again, not that this should have been the same Tweet, but not using the word "choose" would have been a great start.

Is there a way for Kevin Spacey to come back from this? The public lets celebrities get away with this all the time (Big Ben anyone?). Trying to distract from the sexual advance with a coming out story didn't work quite the way I think he planned it. We are all still paying attention to the first paragraph.

We live in a world where people are being held accountable. Let's see what Kevin does next.

Women's. Pockets.

I have a lot of strong opinions about things that don't seem that vital.

Examples: people who don't have any spatial awareness, those who don't look at themselves in every reflective surface, and people who abuse return policies (to name a few).

Bag policies and the sitch with women's pockets is goddamn vital.

We were going to attend the Ministry/Death Grips show on Saturday at Stage AE. I checked their bag policy beforehand. The FB page said that they used the NFL rules. Okay. Fine.

I used the wristlet that I took to a Steelers game at Heinz Field on 10/8/17. It's a lovely pink Coach wristlet that can fit my keys, cards, and phone. Spoiler alert: this matters.

I wait in line with Caleb, and when I get to the part of the line where ladies go to their own, the security guard immediately says "You're bag is too big." Oh, okay. I say that I took it to a Steelers game, and this lady pulls out an index card labeled like it's a bag and says "Does it look like it matches this?!" Ok, okay. Again.

Aside from the fact that her index card of shame wasn't even the correct size, she was nasty to me.

We had won the tickets at a Planned Parenthood fundraiser, so it wasn't the money. I offered to put my purse in the bushes and pick it up later, but Caleb wasn't having that. So we ended up having a lovely evening at Southern Tier.

Me after not getting into a show

But I started thinking.

How incredibly sexist are bag policies?

Women's clothing doesn't have fucking pockets. It's an epidemic of lack of pockets. If you compliment a lady on her outfit and it has pockets, that is literally the first thing she will say. I have two sundresses and a romper with pockets. If someone says "nice dress!" my immediate reply is to beam and say "IT HAS POCKETS!" like it's some kind of miracle.

I buy my work pants from the children's section at Target. (It's cheaper, and I get brighter colors. If I'm going to dress like a drunk 12 year old, I might as well shop in the same space). Even those pants barely have pockets! The front pockets are fake. Which is even worse than none in my option.

I sort of got off track there. Pockets for women is a hot button issue for me.

Back to bag policies.

My picture wristlet is apparently too big for Stage AE. Where exactly am I supposed to keep my things? Please enlighten me.

It isn't about me buying impractical clothing (although Quetzy knows I do). Those are jeans from a normal retail store, and they only have back pockets. These back pockets are only phone size deep. They aren't like the cavernous pockets men's pants can have. Fitting a phone in a pocket is an event.

Am I supposed to put my keys, phone, cards, and cash into pockets that barely fit a Samsung?

Am I supposed to leave any of those things behind?

It isn't like we aren't buying clothes with pockets. Every woman I know clings to the brand with pockets. I bought 4 pairs of shorts because I could put my phone in a front pocket. I would probably kill a stranger to have consistent access to pockets (hell, depending on the fit I might kill someone I know).

Bag policies put women at a direct disadvantage. They target women. We don't really have options about this.

Bag policies are sexist.

#metoo - the beginning and middle

The #metoo social media movement made me think. So many people I know posted about it, and people who could have but chose not to.

There are people who don't understand it. Who either don't think it is a problem or who don't think these individual occurrences should affect women the way they do. Or that women are making something out of nothing.

It's not about the individual instances. It's the sum of what has been happening our entire lives.

It's being an underclassman in high school at a cast party, and guys telling you that you should be dancing on a table because you are wearing a thong.

It's being a senior on a trip to NYC, getting cornered by for guys on the ferry to Ellis Island, and only getting away because a male classmate went looking for you.

It's walking downtown at night with a guy friend and a group telling "Someone's getting lucky tonight!!" with a whistle.

It's being at the grocery store and an employee following you for a while in order to ask if you've got a man.

It's a guy slowing down his car next to you and saying "can I go where you're going" while you are walking to yoga.

It's the guy on the back steps of the pizza place yelling at you about how great you look and does it really matter if you have a boyfriend. And then him continuing to do it for a year.

It's a guy grabbing your ass in a crowded bar and wondering why you didn't take it as a compliment.

It's being cornered alone in a Porta Potty by someone you just met while at a concert.

It's knowing that it will happen again.

All of these added together are the sum of our experience. The above are just the examples I thought of while writing this. I'm sure there will be more that I remember.

#metoo brought about more awareness, but where do we go from here?

What to even say about the Vegas terror attacks?

I started and deleted a few posts about this.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

A homegrown white male terrorist fired into a country music festival, killed 58, and wounded 427 (those were the counts when I got home from work today). There are reports he was firing at some kind of tank to try to cause more death.

When are people going to act?

I'm so goddamn sick of people asking what can we do to stop this. The obvious answer is to pass some sensible fucking gun laws.

But we won't do that.

Instead, people will send thoughts and prayers, change their profile pictures, and use hashtags. I know I do all those things (except the prayers. I don't wanna lie to people!). But it isn't enough.

It's easy to fall into complacency. That we are all just waiting for the next tragedy. We couldn't change gun laws after a terrorist shot up a school! Why even bother trying?

The only thing we can do is try. Call our government when they support the NRA. Call out people who say stupid shit. Call these people terrorists because that is what they are.

Obviously not everyone who owns a firearm is irresponsible. I live in Western PA - people love their guns. Even I have fired one! But I would never own one. I couldn't be trusted to be safe with one.

What happened in Vegas is a tragedy. A terrorist went after innocent people. We shouldn't let it happen again. But we will.

Happy One Year Anniversary to Me!

Exactly one year ago today, my position at my last job was eliminated. The unchaperonedwhitegirl added funemployed to her title. It would be super easy to turn this into a post complaining about what happened, how hard it was to find a job, and how insurance can be the Dark Ages. But that's boring.

It has been a crazy fun year!

I traveled (which I will be doing again soon - booked a birthday trip to Chicago!). I got to my goal weight. I can do a headstand and crow pose. Caleb survived being married to me for a year. I made new friends. I work somewhere that doesn't involve me crying in my car. WE PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS!!!



I learned a lot about myself in the past year. I used to hate doing things alone. Like, I wouldn't go get a beer alone because I felt weird being sitting by myself at a bar. I don't suffer from that anymore. I'm pretty good at yoga. I recently discovered that I like metal. I am obsessed with crop tops and rompers.

It was scary and weird at the time, but my life has improved so much in the last year. Also, I think I handled the entire situation super cool. Not just the sabbatical itself, but the event. I didn't cry or anything. Which is probably the only thing it would have made sense to cry about in the about 5 years I was there.

My position being eliminated is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

College Reflection

By an odd sequence of events, I am drinking alone downtown. Sort of a lie - not that odd but kinda long to explain!

I got into town, found out plans had changed, and had to make the goddamn best of it. I didn't bus into town to go right home, did I?!

I decided to hit up some old haunts alone.

First I went to Backstage Bar. The live music was super fun, but the lack of audience was awkward. Good beer selection but not necessarily the best place to be alone. So many memories flooded back there. Light Up night where we did a bunch of shots and were totally out of our minds. Going there to wait out post show traffic when my in laws were in town. It being the place where we decided to go to a foam party at Cruze for caleb's birthday. Straight up best life material. I didn't wanna deal with post game crowd, so I left. 

Where else to go? 

Obviously the HBIC of old haunts - Milano's. 

Basically my adult life was formed here. I have memories of dancing, drinking, puking, crying, and celebrating here.  I have celebrated significant life events within these walls.

I was here before my first Gender and Film Studies class where I defined gender in the first few minutes. I had a vuvuzela during the Cup. I bought 12 packs of Keystone Ice for Steelers games. 

A boyfriend broke up with me, and we came here for survival. Three girls walked in - dressed way too fancy for here. They ordered a pitcher of Yuengling and a Bud Light. When they got to their table, the cop was there asking for ID . It was "in their car." They walked out and left the booze. 

I am obviously distraught at the end of my relationship and crying into a pint of Yuengling (like you do). The bartender walks over to throw the booze away. We cannot let that slide. 

Caitlin asks the guy is they are throwing it away and then asks if we can have it. We watched. Those ladies didn't drink a drop!

So we drink booze on underagers. No shame in our game!

Life is ridiculous and fun. I never want to lose sight of that. So my plans went awry tonight - I can make new plans! Everyone who knows me knows I am a planner. I like to know the who/what/where/when/why. Sometimes you have to make last minute changes. I have to adapt.

Being at Milanos makes me realize how lucky I am. I may not have loved Duquesne, but it gave me my best friends. Who may or may not read this. We spent so much time (and money) here. But I would change a second.

I reflect on college and realize how incredibly lucky I am.

Am I the Old Me or the New Me?

I haven't blogged in a while. I don't think I've really been feeling like myself.

Since I got back to work, I've sort of had almost a set routine. Caleb goes to Magic on Mondays, so I have the place to myself to eat Trader Joe-O's, drink wine, and watch random shows. Tuesdays we normally get adult things done. Wednesdays are with Amy and Andrew. Thursdays we go out a lot. On Fridays Caleb goes to Magic, and I again have the place to myself. Saturday morning is Farmer's Market then making food. Sunday is Game of Thrones!

It's all been different recently.

Caleb's been away for work for 2.5 weeks. Instead of meeting up with the people I usually hang out with, I've been to happy hours and parties with new people. Work has been crazy busy and is going to get busier. I don't feel like a total outsider there. I'm running on my lunch break.

It has been a complete and total change from my usual routine. I'm not sure if I haven't been feeling like myself or if this is who I am now.

I've felt almost outside myself at work since I started. Just recently have I started saying "we" when I talk about procedures or something like that. I was always saying "they." It's not like I'm with TJS anymore. I hadn't been there for a long time (and honestly, hadn't felt connected there in a long time). I spent the first few months waiting to be fired. Anytime something would go wrong, I assumed I'd be fired in the next day or so. I think I've finally calmed down after 5 months. It's weird feeling like part of a team again. Also, it's nice to have people say they value my opinion.

I love my friends, but meeting new people has been super fun. I went to a party where I didn't know anyone except whose house it was. I was super nervous because it was so far outside my comfort zone, but I had a great time! I met cool people that I don't think I would have met otherwise.

Running at lunch - seriously?! There was a point in my life where I said I wouldn't run unless something was chasing me. Honestly, probably not even then. Now I'm running around the island at lunch listening to podcasts. And I'm doing this on my own... of my own free will.

Is this who I am now - someone who runs and goes places where she doesn't know most people and actually fits in somewhat at a job? I'm not sure yet. I mean, I'm doing it so it's me. But is this really who I am? It kinda feels like it.

I look back on where I was 5 years ago. I had fewer tattoos and piercings. I was in a different job where I was still learning the wonderful world of insurance. I was always with my friends from college (who seriously, I love. Cannot stress that enough. Not a critique of them - critique of me for not trying to meet new people). I wasn't married. I weight about 40 pounds more.

This new me isn't a bad person to be. I guess I just need to reconcile the fact that I'm vastly different than I have been in the past, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I guess I'm feeling like the new me.

What is going on in these bathrooms?!

Every time I think things can't get more ridiculous in America, I am proven wrong. Can I even be surprised about it at this point? The Cheeto in Chief tweeted a policy change. Like, I'm sorry - you can't even be bothered to actually write something down? I know 140 characters is about all he is capable of processing at one time, but really? Someone needs to show this man Schoolhouse Rock.

The ban on transgender members of the military is a disgrace. It is going to take the US a long time to gain back any respect from the rest of the world.

On the heels of this comes the settlement of the Pine Richland lawsuit. Three students sued PR to challenge their restroom policy that forced them to use the bathroom of the gender they were born rather than the gender they identify as. The school settled not because it was the right thing to do (which it is). It probably settled because the legal battle was getting too expensive.

The flimsy argument I have heard from small-minded people is that they want to protect little girls in bathrooms. I mostly hear that from men (shocking!). As someone who has been a little girl in a bathroom (and an adult woman in a bathroom), what do people think goes on in there? This isn't the locker room scene from Carrie where women are running around half-naked whipping towels at each other. It's mostly us standing in line bitching about how long everyone in front of us is taking and then deciding that we should take as much time as we want because we waited so long.

I'm not sure what weird bogeyman people have conjured up in their heads, but are you really going to say you would be able to tell from every person you see if they are in the "correct" bathroom or not? I think these people would be more panicked to see Buck Angel in the bathroom (link is to his Wikipedia page - don't worry!). Or Kelly Lauren.

There are so many reasons why these arguments are wrong. People more educated in this than I am can tell you why. I just wonder what kind of crazy bathroom fun I am missing...

Remembering My Dad

My father died 8 years ago today. Cancer. He was diagnosed in April 2009 and died in July 2009. I was in Chicago with Jon when he was diagnosed (turns out my body's reaction to stress like this is to vomit. I saw a lot of bathrooms in Chicago!). I know where I was and who I was with when my mother called me to tell me that he died.

I remember the viewing. We have a rather morbid tradition of going bowling after viewings. We went bowling. I'm awful, but you can drink there! Plus, after a full day of repeating the same information about yourself ("I'm Blair. I'm the oldest. I graduated from Duquesne last year. I live in Shadyside. I work at Parkway Center."), it's nice to throw a ball at something.

I remember being a pallbearer at the funeral. I still have the white gloves. I don't remember what else I wore. I remember a blur of people. I remember driving from the wake to the church to pick up flowers.

Today always makes me think of all the things he missed. I was living on Ellsworth Avenue, driving the red Neon, and working at CBCInnovis the last time he knew anything about me.

He never met Caleb. He didn't see us move into the condo. He wasn't there when I got engaged. He didn't see me get married.

He doesn't know that I got a tattoo with a windmill on it because he called me Quixote. He doesn't know that I'm still fighting windmills.

There are so many tiny, small things that I still even now sometimes think I should tell him. There are so many things that I will never get to tell him.

You can buy beer and wine at the grocery store now! I eat chili! I make beer (among other things)! I travel on my own now! I'm still afraid of monkeys!

What I tried to take away from it is that you can't wait to do things. So I travel. I wear what are definitely ridiculous outfits. I created an alter ego with her own hashtag. I try whatever I can. I don't want to realize one day that I have a list of things I wanted to do that I'll never get to do.


I wish I had some sort of profound note to end this on. Some life secret. I don't. All I have is this:

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We aren't even guaranteed this afternoon. Don't waste it.

Goal Weight Reached!

I finally hit my goal weight!! Forty pounds down from where I started.

Me 2012.

Last year, Caleb and I got married in Hawaii. It was a super fun week of sun, breweries, and you know, getting married. When I was looking at pictures, I realized I wasn’t happy with how I looked in them. It definitely wasn’t just a posture thing either – I tried taking selfies standing up straight to see if that would help.

After years of saying “I’d rather have fun than be thin,” I decided it was time to do something about it.

I didn’t do anything crazy. I’ve been using MyFitnessPal for almost a year straight at this point! It isn’t always super fun (and there are definitely days where I just log a coffee so I keep inputting something), but it’s really worked for me. Tracking what I eat has made me actually think about what I am eating instead of just eating for the sake of eating. MFP has a lot of restaurant menus, so I can look something up quickly. Like, if I’m meeting someone at a place I don’t like to eat, I’m not going to eat thousands of calories of food I don’t really enjoy.

Me 2017. Same shirt. Really.

If it’s something I enjoy? I’m going to go for it. Victory Dirt Wolf is about 240 calories. Worth every single one. Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites with cheese dip while on a trip to the outlets? Yes please! It’s Sunday Night Snack Club and everyone made all the things? That’s dinner today. I will always have food that is tasty, but I’m not going to waste my time eating bland, sodium filled food that I don’t even like. Not only is it calories I could use on something else, it’s depressing.

One thing people don’t ever talk about when they talk about losing weight? How expensive it is! I have had to buy basically all new clothes. The vast majority of things I own don’t fit anymore. I know it’s such a first world problem, but it can be frustrating. I was going to a bridal shower a few months ago, and I realized morning of that I didn’t really have anything appropriate to wear that fit. The dress I had planned on wearing was way too big. I managed to put together an outfit, and I took myself to the outlets right after. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the outlets recently…

My funemployment helped with losing weight a lot. When you’re in an office and there are cookies and birthday cakes and happy hours and coworker lunches, it’s so easy to graze all day. I was talking about MFP with a coworker the other day, and I realized that the people here only know me like this. They didn’t see me 40 pounds ago. People were surprised to hear that I had lost that much weight. To here, I am the person who eats Thug Kitchen recipes and might refuse cookies.

I feel better, I look better, and I’m overall happier. Going forward, I just have to keep up the lifestyle change I made!

Imposter Syndrome

Before I started writing, I Googled whether or not this was an actual syndrome that I would be arm chair diagnosing myself with.  It is not considered a psychological disorder nor is it in the DSM.

Imposter syndrome was first described by Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD in the 1970s. (I can't be the only one whose first though was "Huh. Not surprised they're both women," can I? Digressing as usual...).  Wikipedia says that tt is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I always feel like such a complete and total fraud! It infects all areas of my life.

A small part of it is that whole fake geek girl concept. The misogynist oh you're a girl you can't possibly like comics or whatever the hell you like because you're a girl. Ew by the way. I love horror movies. I've watched everything from Train to Busan (incredible South Korean zombie film - beautifully done. Cannot recommend it enough) to Dickshark (which I do not recommend but someone had to watch it). My freshman or sophomore year of college, I was buying Texas Chainsaw Massacre from the Best Buy in Monroeville. The cashier asked if I was buying it for my dad or brother or boyfriend. When I said it was for me, he said something like "Okay, if you don't wanna tell me." That's the first moment I can remember feeling something I was doing was super fake. I got back into the Walking Dead comic books, and I always feel self-conscious buying them. Caleb asking me to go to play Monday or Friday night Magic freaks me out because I imagine everyone there would realize that I don't really know that much about Magic. I'm worried about Magic nerds judging me. Choices.

Friendship is definitely a part of it. I'm constantly worried that people are going to find out that I'm not interesting or funny or whatever. That I'm a terribly insecure person who is constantly wondering if people even like me. I super overcompensate for that by pretending that I don't care about what people think about me. I care deeply. Like probably too much. The internal (and external) conflict I have about what I wear to things is so weird. I don't feel like the person who does interesting things. Like, I'll say things like "I don't think I'm the kind of person to get a tattoo." Demonstrably untrue! I have four tattoos. Multiple piercings. This is the person I am. In college (and even years after) I always felt like a sidekick. I was the girl in the background while Jon and Johnny were doing fabulous and crazy things. I still feel like that sometimes.

Work is the worst. I think I have some kind of weird skittishness left after my position was eliminated. Like, towards the end, it felt like nothing I could do was right. Every answer I gave, everything I did felt wrong. Now I'm back in the game (and have been employed for about two and a half months now!). But I question everything. Things I know! Someone asked me how many children under age 21 are the max on and ACA rated plan. I called UPMC to ask. I know that (btw it's 3). I don't trust myself enough to do things. I'm good at putting plans on spreadsheets. I'm quick at it. I can remember it. For some reason, I kept fucking it all up when I started. In my interviews I presented myself the way I believe I should be. As soon as I was given the chance to show it, I started to doubt it. I keep thinking everyone is going to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and that hiring me was a giant mistake.

I have my 60 day review on Wednesday. I have to fill out a self-evaluation. I feel like I should write I AM A GIANT FRAUD WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING AND IS ALSO A TERRIBLE ADULT AND HUMAN BEING. DID YOU EVEN GOOGLE ME BEFORE YOU HIRED ME I AM OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF ANYTHING. Probably not the best thing to say.

So...how do you get over it? I have no idea. I'm going to continue being the unchaperonedwhite girl. Having fun, dressing in the crazy 90s clothes I didn't get to wear the first time around, and following advice I would give my friends. Which probably starts with wine but has solid thoughts about what a bad ass bitch we are.

Credit to Tenor

Almost Pride!

Pride is fun! I have been going for over ten years. I was at the first Pride in the Streets. I have marched with different groups. A few years ago, we did the newly offered one day MS150 so we could be back in time for the march! It is definitely something that I don't miss.

There are always protestors at Pride. People who stand with signs saying "Homo sex is sin" or "Jesus Saves" or a giant list of all the reasons you could be going to hell. They are usually yelling, but they are drowned out by the cheering of everyone else attending. They make themselves super visible so it's easy to avoid them. Or to flip them off when you walk by. Whichever.

In March, Reuters said that hate crimes have gone up 20% since the election.

Last year, when there was a car crash near the entrance to Pride in the Streets, I was worried it was an attack. The first thing I thought was that some homophobic asshole was emboldened by the Trump campaign and decided to do something awful. In the end, it was a DUI. But that wasn't my first thought.

What is it going to be like this year? Will the protestors be louder? More confrontational? Will there be more of them? Are homophobes going to be out in droves because they think that they can get away with it - or, even if they don't get away with it, that they will be able to hurt people. The murderer from Portland doesn't seem to care that he got caught - he believes he made his point.

The statement by the President of the Pittsburgh FOP that putting Pride decals on cars is a "slippery slope" doesn't help the situation. Even if the individual officers support the event, the official position is anti-LGBTQ. Not a great relationship.

I'm definitely still going to Pride. Probably even more events than usual (I'm going to head down to Ready. Set. Pride in a few minutes). Pittsburgh Pride is going to be bigger than ever this year - we aren't backing down. Even if the newly longer Pride isn't a direct response to right wing hate mongers, it seems like it is.

The LGBTQ community is not backing down. We're not going anywhere.

Happy Pride!

An Election Day

Another election day! We survived to this one.

People who don't vote in primary elections drive me insane. Now, I'm not talking about people who are unable to do so, but people who simply don't. Just like "eh, I don't care." Really? You sure? That's the kind of attitude that got us into the dismal political situation are are in.

I know, I know - primaries are boring! The candidates are people you generally fundamentally agree with. It's why you're all in the same political party! We don't have a lot of open primaries running around, so you are voting for people you like. But they are insanely important. This is the spot where we choose who runs for the office itself. Primaries are part of how Orange 45 happened. We gotta start shutting this shit down.

Primary elections are the foundation for the other elections. This is where things get started. You can start learning about the candidates way before November. A lack of education about who we are voting for can't be excused with all the resources we have available.

If you didn't vote yet, Planned Parenthood has an excellent 2017 Primary Voter's Guide. I found it helpful as a starting place for the court races. No idea who most of those people are. I only knew who I wasn't going to vote for because someone I really really really really really hate was on his campaign flyers that came in the mail. Made that decision easy!

You don't want to be starting from scratch trying to figure out who to vote for in November. It'll probably be easy for larger elections like Mayor and Councilman (I'm def Team Peduto and Team Gilman). For those court elections, you can vote for multiple people. Nothing makes me feel quite as dumb as standing in front of a machine wishing I had bothered to take 10 minutes to look someone up. Start now.

I was number 105 at my polling place. I went right around 5. I'm hoping there will be some kind of crazy rush going on right about now and those numbers will go up! With how many people I have seen there in Presidential years, it's a damn shame that more people don't vote.

Polls close at 8:00. Let's make the future better.

Is Being Alive a Pre-Existing Condition?

Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about the House narrowly passing the "Repeal and Replace" law.


My area is employee benefits. Basically, lines that cover you. Health, dental, vision, life, etc, etc, etc. I know what the hell I'm talking about with benefits insurance!

The Repeal and Replace is a shitshow. I'm not going to get into the individual mandate. The subsidies. Medicaid. Not right now. I'm sure as the law moves to the Senate, there will be entirely new and scary things to talk about that with those. For now, I want to talk about pre-existing conditions.

Warning - this is going to be boring for a few sentences. Short version - pre-ACA, plans were medically underwritten. This means that when your company said "Hey! We want to try to change carriers" you would have to fill out a medical questionnaire. It's a detailed medical history on you and any of your dependents who would want to be covered. It asks about surgeries, medications, hospitalizations, height/weight, and pretty much anything else you can think of. If you wanted to be on the company plan, you filled out the form. Don't want to? Too bad. Not an option.

The underwriters would rate based on the forms. You have a company with a lot of women of child bearing age? Rates are going up! You have people with chronic conditions and medications? Rates are going up! You have someone who needs an organ transplant? You better hope they die because those rates are going to skyrocket!

Carriers could refuse to cover medications and treatments because they were a pre-existing condition. We're not always talking things like Hepatitis or HIV or cancer (although, can you imagine having one of those and not being able to get insurance because you have the diagnosis?). Things like depression, epilepsy, diabetes, panic disorders, and tooth disease could make you ineligible. I talked about it already - the scene in Saw VI.

Let's use me as an example. I've had root scaling and planing done, and I'm on a maintenance mental health medication.

Root scaling and planing is a non-surgical periodontal treatment. Short version - I was lazy as hell at brushing and flossing so the seal between my gums and teeth didn't exactly work. It looks super awful and painful if you Google it (which I did do because I'm a moron), but it really helped. My teeth felt amazing after! I've also tried not to get myself back in that same place. It could be used to deny treatment to me.

I'm on a drug whose on-label use is for epileptic children. It's one of those general anxiety diagnoses. (Note: the ACA made mental health and substance abuse treatments "essential health benefits" so more people were able to access the treatment they need.) It could be used against me. That medication would show up on an MQ. If I lie on the MQ? If I just forget about it because who can remember everything like that? I'm getting the Saw VI treatment. Like there isn't enough stigma about mental health.

Educating ourselves and each other is the only way to make it through this alive. Not even joking about the alive part because losing health care can and will kill people. One of my New Year's Resolutions was to make sure America doesn't go directly to hell. We seem to be taking the scenic route.

Rage on Behalf of Planned Parenthood - PA Senate Bill 300 Edition!

I don't know how I am continually surprised by the attacks on Planned Parenthood, but somehow I still am. I think, on some level, I actually believe that people want to do the right thing and help each other. SB 300 shows me just how wrong I am.

What's SB 300 for the 2017-2018 year? A bunch of bullshit. I hadn't heard of Senator John Eichelberger before, but he's exactly the type of guy who would sponsor something like this. Oh, and he's in insurance. Shocker.

What does he claim the bill would do? Senator Asshole would categorize women's health clinics, hospitals, etc in order to change how they receive funding. He says that it will "will favor more conventional healthcare providers over unconventional provider."

What the bill would do in reality? It's going to take away care from those who use Medicaid and other federal services. All the grandstanding politicians do (and let's be honest, it's mostly men. Men without vaginas. Right.) about savings lives is bullshit. Taking away access to preventive health care isn't going to save anyone's life. Women who need to see doctors for pap smears, gynecological exams, STD testing, mammograms, and a variety of  other essential services will have it taken away.

One of the things that really grinds my damn gears is that federal dollars LITERALLY CANNOT BE SPENT ON ABORTION SERVICES. Not even white girl literally. Actual fucking literally. The Hyde Amendement - read up! I haven't ever heard anyone properly explain why defunding Planned Parenthood would help.* I always hear random blustering about abortions that convince me that the person speaking has never even read a single thing about Planned Parenthood.

Getting back to Senator Asshole, after the Pennsylvania Senate Finance Committee voted his bill out of committee he said he doesn't even know what services Planned Parenthood provides.

Let me repeat that: the man who is sponsoring a bill that would make Planned Parenthood a category 4 provider and take away funding doesn't even know what they fucking do.

I don't even have words or expressions for the level of rage I feel about that. I'm so angry that I'm calm. It's even scarier. Where the fuck does this jagoff come from that he thinks he doesn't need to do any kind of research into what he is doing? I bet he believed the Onion article about the abortionplex was real. That's probably what prompted him to do this.

Oh, and he told a female reporter "Alright, I'm done with you." Just in case you thought he just hated Planned Parenthood and wasn't a huge misogynist.

I'm going to channel my rage into something constructive. Call your legislators. Donate money to Planned Parenthood. Donate time by volunteering. Educate people on what is going on. Don't accept the things we cannot change, change the things we cannot accept.

*Want to know more about how funding works for Planned Parenthood? Learn how federal funding at Planned Parenthood works!

Losing My Religion

In honor of Zombie Jesus Day, I thought it was time to tell the story of how I left religion. The Catholic Church is where I made my official exit, but it was really the whole genre.

Remember Weekly Reader? It was a newsletter for kids that went over the big new stories in an age appropriate way. I grew up pre-Internet, so this is how kids found out what was going on in the world. Anyway, there was a religious version. It was set up the same way but was about Jesus and the Pope and whatever. As an adult, I'm not sure how they had content all the time, but kids are dumb with short attention spans.

I was in a CCD class (which apparently stands for Confraternity of Christian Doctrine... hm) one Tuesday. The room had wood paneling and was technically in the basement of the church. We were going over this newsletter. The was something about the Pope that was the main article. On one of the pages towards the back, there was this one paragraph blurb. There was a rainbow. It said something about how gay people were bad. I can't remember the exact text now, but the message was clear. I think it may have had to do with gay people stealing the rainbow as a symbol.

I asked the teacher about it. I don't think she expected anyone to really question it. We were kids. She told me that gay people were against the Bible and therefore bad. I tried asking more, but she moved on. That was the moment. It was like a lightbulb.

How could I believe in something that someone couldn't explain? How could I hate people based on something they couldn't control?

I went to church for a long time after that because I was a kind and didn't have a choice. As soon as I had a choice, I stopped. I hadn't paid attention or prayed in years, why keep going?

I had one moment of doubt about it. After the 2006 shooting at Duquesne. A lot of religious people have moments of doubt - why would an atheist be different? I went to a mass bit didn't feel anything. I was even more secure in how I felt.

I didn't even turn to religion after my father died. People asked me about it. Comments about him being in a better place. Shouldn't I find faith? People asked me if I hoped for an afterlife so we could be reunited. Honestly, sometimes I wish I did. I wish I thought there was some happy place where everyone I know and love could be together forever. But I don't.

Life is all about small moments. The moment I saw that blurb, I was done with religion. I don't think whoever wrote it could imagine they would have changed someone's life in that way. But they did. I didn't know any gay people at the time (I mean, I probably did but I didn't know it). I didn't have any personal reason to care. It was the first moment I realized that things matter even if I'm not directly affected. That I have the responsibility as a human being to fight for people. So I lost religion. I didn't lose humanity. Being kind and doing good works is what life is about. Whether you are doing it for religion, for your own piece of mind, or for attention, it's what matters. We should all be able to agree on that.

From Duquesne in spite of it

I am a founding member and founding officer of Lambda. Duquesne's Gay Straight Alliance.

It was a defining moment of my life.

Daddy Ho (Father Hogan to those of you who haven't been shamed by your acquiantnce with the man) said there were no gay people at Duquesne.

In addition to being a bold-faced lie to priests we knew who were gay, it was a cutting statement.

Gay people don't exist.

Bisexual people don't exist.

Transgender people don't exist.

None of us exist.

People say "safe space" and "microaggression" are stupid phrases.

Really? Children of men who are unfit to lead talk to on social media about how people don't have to deal with anything more than a tasty sandwich. Men who have millions of dollars pick on vulnerable populations.

Every minute of every day people deal with statements and assumptions that try to make who they are disappear.

Just because an aggression is small doesn't mean it isn't real.

I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

That doesn't make me straight.

I'm not straight.

I cannot even being to understand what this social media attention is doing to those in charge of Lambda right now. Even when we were in our most social media heavy time, it was before the world was like this. That asshole may have gone on the news, but no one ever called us about it.

So...call me about it. I'm a founding member of Lambda who is an adult in the world right now. Don't harass college students trying to make the world a better place. Talk to those of us who are working on the working world right now.

Let's talk about Duquesne. Let's talk about the school who cuts funding for the liberal arts school and who fights every movement from the unions but has tons of time to throw the gay kids under the bus.

That's the Duquesne I know. That's the Duquesne I lived. That's the Duquesne I want to see defend itself.

We aren't accepting the things we cannot change. We are changing the things we cannot accept.

Survived Week One!

I made it through my first week at the new job!

I didn't forget how to office which was nice. It was super odd to have to go somewhere that wasn't here every single day. Even if I only had to work a full day for two days of the week. It was a nice way to segueway back to the working world!

It is very strange to be back in the game. The weirdest part is that they seem to respect me and value my experience. I already have groups that I am working on myself. They ask me questions about what I think. We are looking at new online systems, and I am part of the webinars to talk about what I know. Although I do have a soft spot for one system already...

I'm feeling good about this place so​ far. There are women who actually get a say in things (so that is off to a good start). They don't micromanage to the point of madness. And they let me pick my hours!

I will keep my eyes open to make sure I don't become a frog again. But I have hope!

I did treat myself after my first week - something interesting!

The Unchaperoned White Girl is no longer funemployed!

That's right! I'm officially rejoining the workforce on Monday!

I'm venturing back into the fabulous world of insurance (although for a much less sexist company I hope) and staying on the broker side. I've heard brokers have more fun anyway...


How I ended up with this job is really strange. I did a phone interview with an HR firm for a job I was totally unqualified for as it turns out (needed like 7 years of supervisory experience). The woman said that I wasn't qualified (which I agree with), but she said she said I was bright, articulate, and fun to talk to and would I mind if she sent my resume to a few people she knows. I obviously did not mind. She set up a meeting for myself and the owner for two days later.

Part of their interview process is taking a DiSC assessment. I hate those online personality tests. The answers are never good, and you end up looking like a crazy person. Change of pace - I got a copy of the results! What were my results? As my friend Mike said, "I feel like it would have been easier to write 'We've determined you're a sociopath, but it's cool we're kinda down with that in business practice'."

I scored high in the Influence dimension. That doesn't sound too bad, right? That can be a good thing. Then they show you the words you match with in each of the four categories. A few choice ones I got: domineering, demanding, restless, stubborn, defiant, obstinate, and tactless. To quote the great Cordelia Chase "Tact is just not saying true stuff." They then asked me how I felt about all these words. I feel like that piece of the interview is just seeing how you react to that!

The DiSC is interpreted too - you don't just get those fun word lists! You get things like "Often, you can be quite charming and convince people to do what you want by the strength of pure likability. At other times, however, you may employ obvious intimidation to get your point across." Or "Your colleagues probably admire and like you. However, you may still have the potential to strike fear into others." And "You may believe that your well-established ability to convince and direct people helps keep you moving forward. In addition, you may not want anyone to view you as weak, so you may strive to keep your intimidation skills sharp."

Short version of this test? It's a Sorting Hat, and I'm in Slytherin.



I hope to take everything that I learned from my last position and from the last six months of unemployment and apply it to my new job. I've learned a lot about myself and what I think about and need in other people. Gotta keep those intimidation skills sharp!

6 Months Funemployment Anniversary!

Today officially marks six months of funemployment.

I'm starting to write this at 1210pm, and I think I was actually already home on that day. It was a Friday, and I was lucky that my husband was off work so I didn't have to sit at home alone (although he did stay playing his video game with his brother and didn't talk to me until a bit later. Hm). Firing someone on a Friday isn't actually a very good strategy. When you fire someone on a Friday, it's hard to access social services until the weekend is over.

Day 1 of Funemployment

I have this theory that the plan was to actually fire me on Thursday, but I screwed it up. We had a meeting on the Thursday that was scheduled to be half an hour. It ran almost two hours. I took my lunch at 1pm normally, and the meeting had started at 12. I should have known better, but whatever. By the time the meeting was over, it didn't make sense to me to take a lunch. I would have been on lunch from 2-3 and then leaving at 4. I decided that I worked through lunch and that I would leave at 3pm. The woman who sat next to me told me that the VP stopped by my desk after I left and looked mad that I left early. Going over everything in my head, I think they wanted to tell me they were eliminating my position Thursday afternoon, but I left before they could do it. I like to think that I messed up their plan for me to leave at the end of the day (when maybe people wouldn't really notice) and instead make a grand exit on Friday afternoon.

So what have I learned being out of the workforce for the last six months?

1. Not working is awesome. Like...seriously amazing. I get up when I want, go to bed when I want, and don't have to answer to anyone.
2. It's kinda terrifying. The longer I have been funemployed, the longer I wonder if anyone is ever going to hire me again. Like...are employers going to look at this gap and think "Quetzalcoatl, she couldn't even do retail or something?!"

Me today. I think I'm much happier

3. I'm way better at yoga than I thought! Going to daytime classes where I was sometimes the only person there (and the most I ever had with me were 5 other people) really gave me time to work on things I hadn't tried before. If you're looking for somewhere to practice, I adore YogaLove!
4. No more staying in toxic environments. I didn't realize quite how stressed and anxious I was until all of a sudden I wasn't! I can't be a frog in boiling water again.

I love Teen Vogue

I am currently totally in love with Teen Vogue.

They have seriously been the best periodical since the election (I didn't read them before, so I can't talk about them then). They have struck a balance between deeply caring about political issues and still living your life.

I definitely care about what is going on. I care about the Muslim ban. I care about defunding Planned Parenthood. I care about gerrymandering. I care about LGBT rights. I care about feminism and making sure it is intersectional.

But it can get exhausting.

Teen Vogue has kept publishing articles about "normal" things while keeping up with the issues. So my Facebook feed will have an article about Senators comparing Planned Parenthood to concentration camps next and then they share an article about nipple piercings.

We all need to keep caring. We can't act like what is going on in to country is normal. But we also need to make sure we don't get protest fatigue. What we need is Teen Vogue showing us that we can fight and still live.

International Women's Strike Day

I went to see Roxane Gay's lecture last night (yay Pittsburgh Arts & Lectures!). If you don't know her, go read Bad Feminist now. I purchased a copy of Difficult Women but haven't read it yet, so I can't recommend it. One of the audience questions was whether not she agreed with the Strike day. She had a good answer. She said that it's yes and no - there are so many women who can't afford to strike, and they are probably the ones who need this most. Her other point was that she would never want to WORD CHOICE the efforts.

What's a funemployed unchaperoned white girl to do on a strike day? It's not like I was going to take a day off work or something! Then I realized I was definitely thinking about it wrong. I'm currently not doing paid work, but I am doing a lot around the condo (my choice)! I'm doing laundry and dishes and cleaning in general.

This is definitely the mindset people get into about stay at home mothers and housewives (ugh...can there be a better word for that? I don't like homemaker either). Some people think that if you are not working outside the home that you are not working. And I was thinking that about myself! Things being done around the home are work. I'm not going to get on a high horse and bust out one of those memes where I pretend to calculate the different jobs I do and how much it would be paid, but these are necessary things in your adult life that you can pay someone to do. Not having children makes people think of it differently as well. To some people, I'm probably just sitting around, doing nothing, spending my husband's money.

So tomorrow, for International Women's Strike Day, I will participate. It's about not doing paid or unpaid work. Mine probably isn't quite as effective as it could be since my husband isn't back from his work trip yet. So I won't be washing my own dishes or doing my own laundry. But it's the solidarity that counts.

I hope that with all the marches and protests as sit-ins that we finally get together as a group. Women working together. Although we are comprised of a lot of different groups, we all need to work together to make this world a better place for us and those who come after us.

So, as the great musical Newsies taught us (if you haven't seen this, please go watch it now): And the world will know we been keepin' score. Either they gives us our rights or we gives them a war. We've been down too long, and we paid our dues. And the things we do today will be tomorrow's news.

Escorting with PPWP

I have been an on and off volunteer with Planned Parenthood since college. Let's not talk about how long ago that was. During and after the election, I realized how important it was that I start being on again.

I did my escort training on Saturday. I had avoided it for years because I wasn't sure if I could handle it. Can I deal with people screaming without screaming back? When I see people with whom I have a fundamental disagreement with on so many levels, will I be able to keep my damn mouth shut?

The training affected me differently than I imagined. Instead of being angry at the thought of protesters, I found myself tearing up at the idea of people deciding that a woman's personal medical decision was any of their damn business. That people think an appropriate response to literally anything is to harass people en route to a medical professional. The moral failing that leads to a school sending buses of students to protest for credit in my neighborhood. I wasn't angry - I was outraged and motivated.

Who knows if I will be able to hack it when the situation arises. I may see people and totally lose it. I don't even know if I would scream or cry. What I do know is now, more than ever, I believe in giving time in addition to money. I am going to give escorting my best shot. There is an option to observe before you commit. At the very least, I can do that.

I'm not going to stop with Planned Parenthood. I am going to find more groups that need volunteers and join them. Resistence isn't futile - it's the only way to thrive.

Ranting on Job Applications

Some days I feel like all I do is apply to jobs. I get in a rhythm on Indeed or LinkedIn or whatever site I manage to find myself on, and I don't want to stop til I get to the last page. Inevitably a few pages in, I realize I didn't bring my Fire in with me to play Pandora. Which turns into an internal conflict over if I should break my rhythm to go get it. I usually say "after this application" and then forget. Oh, and I do mean "say." I am straight up talking to (and answering) myself now. So I end up sitting on a computer with silence all around me giving me oh so much time to think about how frustrating this process is!

Why is it that so many jobs seem to be a minimum wage paying job that requires you to work every single weekend and have 10 years of experience? Like...if the words "entry level" appear in your ad, let's not pretend you need tons of experience for it. I have literally seen ads that say you need 5 years experience in a professional setting. Where exactly are people supposed to be getting this?!

I continue to hate cover letters. Until it becomes acceptable to write "please hire me because I need money and you need a people" I will hate them. They're so artificial and weird. I never know what to say. All the samples I look at it are awkward too. No one appears to be good at it.


Let's say this works out - you have the 25 years' experience for a call center job, and they liked your cover letter where you talked about your hard work, dedication, and how you absolutely love every single person you have ever worked with. Do you know how many scam jobs there are?

A lot. Especially when you start talking about Marketing. For some reason, Marketing tends to mean cold calling or literally knocking on doors to sell people stuff they don't want. Luckily the internet exists, so I haven't been falling for any of those jobs. I got a call from a place that saw my resume. When I tried to call them back, they had a generic voicemail. Then their website was gone. Right. Normal. In addition to trying to find a job, you have to find one that's real.

I know that getting used to constant rejection is an excellent life skill.  I'm sure there is something I should be learning from cover letters to (I'm thinking that it might be that sometimes people will make you jump through hoops to make sure you read instructions). Being able to tell the difference between things that are legit and scams definitely comes in handy. These are things which will serve me well once I find a job. I need to be zen about it.

Until that time, I'll be over here...screaming internally.

My Airport Mansplainer

I had the pure delight of getting into a discussion with a mansplainer at the Seattle Airport last week!

Let's get the definition out of the way first. There are people who don't believe it happens or that women are making it about gender when it's not. They are wrong. There is a different between explaining and mansplaining. Telling someone how to do something when they are unaware is explaining (someone explaining how a deductible works when I first started in insurance was helpful). To me, mansplaining is a man telling you how to do something/how something works because they believe that they know better than you. Honestly, it's hard to put into words. If it's never happened to you, consider yourself lucky that people think you're smart enough to know about things.

Back to my airport friend!

The conversation started totally normal - he asked me what I was reading, we talked about Walking Dead, and he wasn't even hitting on me or anything. It was a nice conversation! When the bartender came back over, he bought me a drink. Once the drink arrived, that's when it went downhill...

For some reason, he decided we needed to talk about Donald Trump and what is he doing. I said that I didn't agree with anything Trump has done since he's been in office. This guy decided I didn't know what I was talking about.

He spent about ten minutes telling me that it wasn't that I don't agree with Trump's policies! It's that I hate Donald Trump! Jimmy Carter did the same things Trump is doing, and he bets I like him! If Obama were signing these policies I would be in favor! I really just need to separate what Trump is doing from the man himself! These policies are great (and btw he hates Syrians)! No examples or anything, obviously.

Even though I literally sat there and told the guy that it was the policies I disagreed with (I didn't even mention how much I hate Trump because this was going no where good), he continued to tell me that I didn't really think that.

What made that guy think it was okay? To look at another adult and say "You don't know what you think." He barely even tried to tell me why the policies were good (the short version of what he said is Muslims are bad). His entire tactic was to tell me that I'm letting how I feel about Trump get in the way of how great these policies are. On what planet is that okay? Does that ever work?

That beer was good, but it wasn't that good.

2017 So Far

One month of 2017 down! I decided this was a good time to check in on my resolutions to see if I had already stopped any of them.

Surprise! I didn't!

1. Blog more
Definitely have been doing this. I have a total of 9 posts (including this one) blog posts in 2017. I just have to keep staying fairly consistent. I have been out of town a few times, so I didn't do as much as I liked, but it is more often than 2016!

2. Go to yoga more
Been good with this one too. The above referenced being out of town cut into the times, but when I am here I am consistent! I went 9 times in January. I think I have this one under control.

3. Do whatever I can to make sure that America doesn't go directly to hell 
I have donated more to PPWP, gone to events for PPWP, and am continuing to work on this. I've been faxing Pat Toomey (because it's the only way to get through to that man). Now that I am in town more, I am going to attend protests in person. Also, I should donate more money to basically everyone. (In a future post, I'm going to talk about the guy who mansplained how I feel about Trump while at the airport bar!)

4. Read 125 books. 
12 books read so far! Although someone needs to intervention me on what books I should read in public. Like...oh yes, a book called We Believe You: Survivors of Campus Sexual Assault Speak Out on the plane was definitely the perfect idea. There's no way you are going to make everyone around you uncomfortable by sobbing on the plane in an aisle seat. Previously, I have read The Skies Belong to Us: Love and Terror in the Golden Age of Hijacking and One of Us: The Story of Anders Breivik and the Massacre in Norway. Maybe it isn't best to read a book about hijacking on a plane. Nor should you be ugly sobbing. Gonna need a happy list! 

5. Learn to knit 
So, I looked at my knitting stuff. And picked up the needles. It shouldn't be this hard! I sit and watch TV a lot! 

6. Get to goal weight.
I'm five pounds away now! I was hoping to have made a little more progress, but trips to NYC and Seattle (plus a total lack of willpower and a love of wine) set me back. No giving up!

7. Find a job. 
Slight progress is being made on this front. My NYC trip was actually a job interview - it would be a work from home position. I feel like it went well, but there are other people they are interviewing. I should have an update within the next week or so about it. I'm still applying other places, but this is the closest I have gotten! So...still funemployed.
Edit: spoke too soon - didn't get the job

NYC - Center of the Universe?

Anyone who know me knows I love Pittsburgh. Probably more than the average resident. I have on an incline bracelet and bridge earrings right now!

But I do spend a lot of time in NYC. I used to go only when we would visit Caleb's family on holidays! After Jon moved there, I started going more often. Like...once a month more often. I have definitely drank the NYC Flavor Ade.

I have been trying to figure out why I love NYC. I used to say it was overrated and idealized. I think I figured it out on this trip.

People I love live here. People I miss dearly live here. Not just Jon either.

When I come to NYC, it's like a weird homecoming. Even though I never lived here, it feels like coming home somehow. I have a routine and places I go and things I do. Plus I don't have to work when I'm here (I mean... back when I used to work). When my position was eliminated, it became an escape.

NYC is everything Pittsburgh can't be for me. I never feel like I can be as cool or funny as I am here. Jon made a great point when I was figuring out outfits. I brought my zombie dress, but I didn't end up wearing it. When I asked Jon about it, he said he thought I would wear it in Pittsburgh but I may not wear the body suit. Which is true I guess.

Like I said before, unchaperoned white girl is my alter ego. I guess this makes NYC my alternate home.

Quick Note on the Last Day

Today is the last day before the inauguration. The last normal day. The last time anyone can rant and rage about the Trump administration before we are not talking in hypotheticals anymore. The last day I can hope a zombie apocalypse comes along and saves us from whatever hell we have coming.

It seems like more people are posting about politics now than they were during the campaign season! What has been infuriating me to no end is the amount of people I see who have been saying "I regret my vote for Trump." Oh really? You regret it now? Now that you've screwed us all over, you want applauded for realizing how monumentally wrong you were? Super - you figured out you voted for a sexist, homophobic, racist demagogue who is going to irreparably damage American's reputation and morale. You figured out he does want to repeal the ACA and mess with Social Security and build a goddamn wall! These were all things we knew BEFORE the election! You couldn't have taken the ten seconds to Google it? Like, that was too much work - too much to ask of someone?


People voted for Trump because he said he was going to keep the scary non-white people away from them. That is the single issue they cared about. They probably hid it under the banner of "oh, I agree with his policies" but can't follow it up with a specific one that they agree with (because there aren't any real policies).

This is our last day before a man is sworn in (on the same Bible as Obama and Lincoln no less!) who is going to make our country worse. See you on the other side.

Also, I have a Facebook page and a Twitter account now! Unchaperoned White Girl and @unchaperonedwg

Three Pieces of the Affordable Care Act

Of the many sins the Republicans have been committing recently, the gutting and repealing of the Affordable Care Act is one of the more reprehensible. The ACA has made it possible for so many Americans to get coverage and treat their medical issues. Before I worked in insurance, I had no idea how messed up and awful the system was (honestly - who really wants to think about insurance if they don't have to?). When I first started at my last job, the ACA was still in progress. I was in the office (albeit at the front desk) the day SCOTUS made their judgement in 2012. I saw them uphold the unlimited lifetime maximum on health plans, the age 26 coverage, and the no pre-existing condition limitations. If you don't work in insurance, you may not understand what a big damn deal this was. And even if you do understand, you may not realize exactly how you benefit from it.

Prior to the ACA, most plans had about a $1 million dollar maximum. That is all a plan would pay in your lifetime. That sounds like a ton of money, but when you get into anything that requires ongoing medication or treatment, it really isn't. Before the ACA, you didn't have these yearly annual and gynecological exams covered at 100% so you were paying those. Think about how much it costs to have a baby. To get cancer treatment. To get a transplant. You think $1 million your whole life is going to cover that? Quetzalcoatl help you if you had conditions that were going to need maintenance medication and visits.

The age 26 coverage is life changing. I think a lot of the hate on this is the typical Millennial hate - why don't you get a job with coverage and get off your parents' plan? Bad Boomer job advice is a whole other topic, but there are so many of us who went to college, worked, and now find ourselves unemployed or employed without the option of healthcare. Pre-ACA, Pennsylvania had something called Act 4. Act 4 would allow, in certain circumstances, dependents to be covered up to age 30. The insurance industry nicknamed it "The Slacker Act." Even people who benefit from this coverage don't understand it. After the ACA passed, someone I knew from college posted on Facebook about how much she hated it and how it was a bad system - blah, blah, blah. Someone else brought up the fact that she was on her parents' insurance and how much it had helped her - she wouldn't have been able to get coverage like that or have her health issues cared for without it. She said it was different for her to be covered. It's always different, isn't it?

Pre-existing conditions. Does no one understand what pre-existing conditions are?! An easy way to explain this is the movie Saw VI (spoilers ahead for a movie from 2009)! Jigsaw was out of people to hate by this point, so we went after predatory lenders and insurance companies. I'm not saying he's wrong, but it was a bit out of left field at this point. We see a flashback where a character is told his claim is being denied because of a pre-existing condition. Does that sound totally insane and horrible to you? Good, it should. But this is something that can happen without that pre-existing condition limitation. You fill out a form with your medical history, and if someone can find that you forgot about something, you can be denied even after the fact. Admitting it doesn't help - companies would just refuse to cover you. We aren't just talking about denials due to big claim costs like cancer or hemophilia - you could be denied for a previous heart attack, mental health hospitalization, diabetes, epilepsy, or oral surgery. For some people, it was better to not have a diagnosis because then they couldn't be be denied coverage. It was a system that kept the sick away from treatment.

Those are just three pieces of the ACA that helped millions of people. It's incredibly maddening to see people post on social media about how awful the ACA when they are benefiting from it or have no idea exactly what they hate. I was barely in insurance before the ACA, and even I can remember how awful it was if you weren't perfectly healthy. We can't go back there.

Places I Hadn't Been Before - St. Paul's Cathedral

After riling myself up with the last two blog posts, I decided to try to calm myself down. I have been going a bit stir crazy in my condo. I got mad at a rug the other day. True story. Since the weather turned out so nice today, I decided this would be a fantastic day to do a Pokemon walk and see what I could find! As I was walking down Fifth to find more Pokemon, I ended up right outside St. Paul's. I have lived in Pittsburgh since I started at Duquesne in 2004. I have never been in St. Paul's until today.

Outside St. Paul's today

Now, a huge part of it is that I am definitely not religious. The going to Duquesne could confuse some people, but that was about the location not the religion. I've seen a lot of churches while traveling. I may not be religious, but I can definitely appreciate the stained glass, architecture, and historical value of these places. When I am in NYC or Boston or somewhere else, I have no issues just wandering right up into the church and looking around. If I didn't wander like that, I never would have seen Alexander Hamilton's grave! For some strange reason, I feel weird about doing this in my hometown. No reason other than I don't feel like I should be a tourist here. I was there today at 11:55am, and they had a mass at noon, so I decided to go in.







It is so beautiful in there! I arrived right before their mass was starting, so I was able to see the church with some people in it. The stained glass work is amazing. I didn't stay long enough to figure out what each window was, but they are all amazing like this.

When Pittsburgh became a Catholic diocese seat in 1843, St. Paul's was named the cathedral. This version of the church existed at Fifth Avenue and Grant Avenue downtown. When people starting moving out of town, that land was sold to Henry Clay Frick. This version of St. Paul's was built in 1906. I'm sure someone more religious would be able to give a much better explanation of the history of the church and the Diocese in Pittsburgh.

St. Paul's also happens to be a Pokemon gym. I didn't see anyone playing inside - it would appear that trainers keep their activities to out front.

I'm glad that I finally went in there to see the stained glass and the architecture. If you haven't been in there yet, you should definitely check it out at least once!

 All four pictures taken 1/12/17 by myself!