What is going on in these bathrooms?!

Every time I think things can't get more ridiculous in America, I am proven wrong. Can I even be surprised about it at this point? The Cheeto in Chief tweeted a policy change. Like, I'm sorry - you can't even be bothered to actually write something down? I know 140 characters is about all he is capable of processing at one time, but really? Someone needs to show this man Schoolhouse Rock.

The ban on transgender members of the military is a disgrace. It is going to take the US a long time to gain back any respect from the rest of the world.

On the heels of this comes the settlement of the Pine Richland lawsuit. Three students sued PR to challenge their restroom policy that forced them to use the bathroom of the gender they were born rather than the gender they identify as. The school settled not because it was the right thing to do (which it is). It probably settled because the legal battle was getting too expensive.

The flimsy argument I have heard from small-minded people is that they want to protect little girls in bathrooms. I mostly hear that from men (shocking!). As someone who has been a little girl in a bathroom (and an adult woman in a bathroom), what do people think goes on in there? This isn't the locker room scene from Carrie where women are running around half-naked whipping towels at each other. It's mostly us standing in line bitching about how long everyone in front of us is taking and then deciding that we should take as much time as we want because we waited so long.

I'm not sure what weird bogeyman people have conjured up in their heads, but are you really going to say you would be able to tell from every person you see if they are in the "correct" bathroom or not? I think these people would be more panicked to see Buck Angel in the bathroom (link is to his Wikipedia page - don't worry!). Or Kelly Lauren.

There are so many reasons why these arguments are wrong. People more educated in this than I am can tell you why. I just wonder what kind of crazy bathroom fun I am missing...

Remembering My Dad

My father died 8 years ago today. Cancer. He was diagnosed in April 2009 and died in July 2009. I was in Chicago with Jon when he was diagnosed (turns out my body's reaction to stress like this is to vomit. I saw a lot of bathrooms in Chicago!). I know where I was and who I was with when my mother called me to tell me that he died.

I remember the viewing. We have a rather morbid tradition of going bowling after viewings. We went bowling. I'm awful, but you can drink there! Plus, after a full day of repeating the same information about yourself ("I'm Blair. I'm the oldest. I graduated from Duquesne last year. I live in Shadyside. I work at Parkway Center."), it's nice to throw a ball at something.

I remember being a pallbearer at the funeral. I still have the white gloves. I don't remember what else I wore. I remember a blur of people. I remember driving from the wake to the church to pick up flowers.

Today always makes me think of all the things he missed. I was living on Ellsworth Avenue, driving the red Neon, and working at CBCInnovis the last time he knew anything about me.

He never met Caleb. He didn't see us move into the condo. He wasn't there when I got engaged. He didn't see me get married.

He doesn't know that I got a tattoo with a windmill on it because he called me Quixote. He doesn't know that I'm still fighting windmills.

There are so many tiny, small things that I still even now sometimes think I should tell him. There are so many things that I will never get to tell him.

You can buy beer and wine at the grocery store now! I eat chili! I make beer (among other things)! I travel on my own now! I'm still afraid of monkeys!

What I tried to take away from it is that you can't wait to do things. So I travel. I wear what are definitely ridiculous outfits. I created an alter ego with her own hashtag. I try whatever I can. I don't want to realize one day that I have a list of things I wanted to do that I'll never get to do.


I wish I had some sort of profound note to end this on. Some life secret. I don't. All I have is this:

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We aren't even guaranteed this afternoon. Don't waste it.

Goal Weight Reached!

I finally hit my goal weight!! Forty pounds down from where I started.

Me 2012.

Last year, Caleb and I got married in Hawaii. It was a super fun week of sun, breweries, and you know, getting married. When I was looking at pictures, I realized I wasn’t happy with how I looked in them. It definitely wasn’t just a posture thing either – I tried taking selfies standing up straight to see if that would help.

After years of saying “I’d rather have fun than be thin,” I decided it was time to do something about it.

I didn’t do anything crazy. I’ve been using MyFitnessPal for almost a year straight at this point! It isn’t always super fun (and there are definitely days where I just log a coffee so I keep inputting something), but it’s really worked for me. Tracking what I eat has made me actually think about what I am eating instead of just eating for the sake of eating. MFP has a lot of restaurant menus, so I can look something up quickly. Like, if I’m meeting someone at a place I don’t like to eat, I’m not going to eat thousands of calories of food I don’t really enjoy.

Me 2017. Same shirt. Really.

If it’s something I enjoy? I’m going to go for it. Victory Dirt Wolf is about 240 calories. Worth every single one. Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites with cheese dip while on a trip to the outlets? Yes please! It’s Sunday Night Snack Club and everyone made all the things? That’s dinner today. I will always have food that is tasty, but I’m not going to waste my time eating bland, sodium filled food that I don’t even like. Not only is it calories I could use on something else, it’s depressing.

One thing people don’t ever talk about when they talk about losing weight? How expensive it is! I have had to buy basically all new clothes. The vast majority of things I own don’t fit anymore. I know it’s such a first world problem, but it can be frustrating. I was going to a bridal shower a few months ago, and I realized morning of that I didn’t really have anything appropriate to wear that fit. The dress I had planned on wearing was way too big. I managed to put together an outfit, and I took myself to the outlets right after. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the outlets recently…

My funemployment helped with losing weight a lot. When you’re in an office and there are cookies and birthday cakes and happy hours and coworker lunches, it’s so easy to graze all day. I was talking about MFP with a coworker the other day, and I realized that the people here only know me like this. They didn’t see me 40 pounds ago. People were surprised to hear that I had lost that much weight. To here, I am the person who eats Thug Kitchen recipes and might refuse cookies.

I feel better, I look better, and I’m overall happier. Going forward, I just have to keep up the lifestyle change I made!

Imposter Syndrome

Before I started writing, I Googled whether or not this was an actual syndrome that I would be arm chair diagnosing myself with.  It is not considered a psychological disorder nor is it in the DSM.

Imposter syndrome was first described by Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD in the 1970s. (I can't be the only one whose first though was "Huh. Not surprised they're both women," can I? Digressing as usual...).  Wikipedia says that tt is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I always feel like such a complete and total fraud! It infects all areas of my life.

A small part of it is that whole fake geek girl concept. The misogynist oh you're a girl you can't possibly like comics or whatever the hell you like because you're a girl. Ew by the way. I love horror movies. I've watched everything from Train to Busan (incredible South Korean zombie film - beautifully done. Cannot recommend it enough) to Dickshark (which I do not recommend but someone had to watch it). My freshman or sophomore year of college, I was buying Texas Chainsaw Massacre from the Best Buy in Monroeville. The cashier asked if I was buying it for my dad or brother or boyfriend. When I said it was for me, he said something like "Okay, if you don't wanna tell me." That's the first moment I can remember feeling something I was doing was super fake. I got back into the Walking Dead comic books, and I always feel self-conscious buying them. Caleb asking me to go to play Monday or Friday night Magic freaks me out because I imagine everyone there would realize that I don't really know that much about Magic. I'm worried about Magic nerds judging me. Choices.

Friendship is definitely a part of it. I'm constantly worried that people are going to find out that I'm not interesting or funny or whatever. That I'm a terribly insecure person who is constantly wondering if people even like me. I super overcompensate for that by pretending that I don't care about what people think about me. I care deeply. Like probably too much. The internal (and external) conflict I have about what I wear to things is so weird. I don't feel like the person who does interesting things. Like, I'll say things like "I don't think I'm the kind of person to get a tattoo." Demonstrably untrue! I have four tattoos. Multiple piercings. This is the person I am. In college (and even years after) I always felt like a sidekick. I was the girl in the background while Jon and Johnny were doing fabulous and crazy things. I still feel like that sometimes.

Work is the worst. I think I have some kind of weird skittishness left after my position was eliminated. Like, towards the end, it felt like nothing I could do was right. Every answer I gave, everything I did felt wrong. Now I'm back in the game (and have been employed for about two and a half months now!). But I question everything. Things I know! Someone asked me how many children under age 21 are the max on and ACA rated plan. I called UPMC to ask. I know that (btw it's 3). I don't trust myself enough to do things. I'm good at putting plans on spreadsheets. I'm quick at it. I can remember it. For some reason, I kept fucking it all up when I started. In my interviews I presented myself the way I believe I should be. As soon as I was given the chance to show it, I started to doubt it. I keep thinking everyone is going to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and that hiring me was a giant mistake.

I have my 60 day review on Wednesday. I have to fill out a self-evaluation. I feel like I should write I AM A GIANT FRAUD WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS DOING AND IS ALSO A TERRIBLE ADULT AND HUMAN BEING. DID YOU EVEN GOOGLE ME BEFORE YOU HIRED ME I AM OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF ANYTHING. Probably not the best thing to say.

So...how do you get over it? I have no idea. I'm going to continue being the unchaperonedwhite girl. Having fun, dressing in the crazy 90s clothes I didn't get to wear the first time around, and following advice I would give my friends. Which probably starts with wine but has solid thoughts about what a bad ass bitch we are.

Credit to Tenor

Almost Pride!

Pride is fun! I have been going for over ten years. I was at the first Pride in the Streets. I have marched with different groups. A few years ago, we did the newly offered one day MS150 so we could be back in time for the march! It is definitely something that I don't miss.

There are always protestors at Pride. People who stand with signs saying "Homo sex is sin" or "Jesus Saves" or a giant list of all the reasons you could be going to hell. They are usually yelling, but they are drowned out by the cheering of everyone else attending. They make themselves super visible so it's easy to avoid them. Or to flip them off when you walk by. Whichever.

In March, Reuters said that hate crimes have gone up 20% since the election.

Last year, when there was a car crash near the entrance to Pride in the Streets, I was worried it was an attack. The first thing I thought was that some homophobic asshole was emboldened by the Trump campaign and decided to do something awful. In the end, it was a DUI. But that wasn't my first thought.

What is it going to be like this year? Will the protestors be louder? More confrontational? Will there be more of them? Are homophobes going to be out in droves because they think that they can get away with it - or, even if they don't get away with it, that they will be able to hurt people. The murderer from Portland doesn't seem to care that he got caught - he believes he made his point.

The statement by the President of the Pittsburgh FOP that putting Pride decals on cars is a "slippery slope" doesn't help the situation. Even if the individual officers support the event, the official position is anti-LGBTQ. Not a great relationship.

I'm definitely still going to Pride. Probably even more events than usual (I'm going to head down to Ready. Set. Pride in a few minutes). Pittsburgh Pride is going to be bigger than ever this year - we aren't backing down. Even if the newly longer Pride isn't a direct response to right wing hate mongers, it seems like it is.

The LGBTQ community is not backing down. We're not going anywhere.

Happy Pride!

An Election Day

Another election day! We survived to this one.

People who don't vote in primary elections drive me insane. Now, I'm not talking about people who are unable to do so, but people who simply don't. Just like "eh, I don't care." Really? You sure? That's the kind of attitude that got us into the dismal political situation are are in.

I know, I know - primaries are boring! The candidates are people you generally fundamentally agree with. It's why you're all in the same political party! We don't have a lot of open primaries running around, so you are voting for people you like. But they are insanely important. This is the spot where we choose who runs for the office itself. Primaries are part of how Orange 45 happened. We gotta start shutting this shit down.

Primary elections are the foundation for the other elections. This is where things get started. You can start learning about the candidates way before November. A lack of education about who we are voting for can't be excused with all the resources we have available.

If you didn't vote yet, Planned Parenthood has an excellent 2017 Primary Voter's Guide. I found it helpful as a starting place for the court races. No idea who most of those people are. I only knew who I wasn't going to vote for because someone I really really really really really hate was on his campaign flyers that came in the mail. Made that decision easy!

You don't want to be starting from scratch trying to figure out who to vote for in November. It'll probably be easy for larger elections like Mayor and Councilman (I'm def Team Peduto and Team Gilman). For those court elections, you can vote for multiple people. Nothing makes me feel quite as dumb as standing in front of a machine wishing I had bothered to take 10 minutes to look someone up. Start now.

I was number 105 at my polling place. I went right around 5. I'm hoping there will be some kind of crazy rush going on right about now and those numbers will go up! With how many people I have seen there in Presidential years, it's a damn shame that more people don't vote.

Polls close at 8:00. Let's make the future better.

Is Being Alive a Pre-Existing Condition?

Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about the House narrowly passing the "Repeal and Replace" law.


My area is employee benefits. Basically, lines that cover you. Health, dental, vision, life, etc, etc, etc. I know what the hell I'm talking about with benefits insurance!

The Repeal and Replace is a shitshow. I'm not going to get into the individual mandate. The subsidies. Medicaid. Not right now. I'm sure as the law moves to the Senate, there will be entirely new and scary things to talk about that with those. For now, I want to talk about pre-existing conditions.

Warning - this is going to be boring for a few sentences. Short version - pre-ACA, plans were medically underwritten. This means that when your company said "Hey! We want to try to change carriers" you would have to fill out a medical questionnaire. It's a detailed medical history on you and any of your dependents who would want to be covered. It asks about surgeries, medications, hospitalizations, height/weight, and pretty much anything else you can think of. If you wanted to be on the company plan, you filled out the form. Don't want to? Too bad. Not an option.

The underwriters would rate based on the forms. You have a company with a lot of women of child bearing age? Rates are going up! You have people with chronic conditions and medications? Rates are going up! You have someone who needs an organ transplant? You better hope they die because those rates are going to skyrocket!

Carriers could refuse to cover medications and treatments because they were a pre-existing condition. We're not always talking things like Hepatitis or HIV or cancer (although, can you imagine having one of those and not being able to get insurance because you have the diagnosis?). Things like depression, epilepsy, diabetes, panic disorders, and tooth disease could make you ineligible. I talked about it already - the scene in Saw VI.

Let's use me as an example. I've had root scaling and planing done, and I'm on a maintenance mental health medication.

Root scaling and planing is a non-surgical periodontal treatment. Short version - I was lazy as hell at brushing and flossing so the seal between my gums and teeth didn't exactly work. It looks super awful and painful if you Google it (which I did do because I'm a moron), but it really helped. My teeth felt amazing after! I've also tried not to get myself back in that same place. It could be used to deny treatment to me.

I'm on a drug whose on-label use is for epileptic children. It's one of those general anxiety diagnoses. (Note: the ACA made mental health and substance abuse treatments "essential health benefits" so more people were able to access the treatment they need.) It could be used against me. That medication would show up on an MQ. If I lie on the MQ? If I just forget about it because who can remember everything like that? I'm getting the Saw VI treatment. Like there isn't enough stigma about mental health.

Educating ourselves and each other is the only way to make it through this alive. Not even joking about the alive part because losing health care can and will kill people. One of my New Year's Resolutions was to make sure America doesn't go directly to hell. We seem to be taking the scenic route.